As my father-in-law often likes to say, “Men and women are
just, well, different.”
No shit, Sherlock. If he had given me this advice before, I
probably would not have married his daughter for fear of Thing 1 and Thing 2 contracting
the disease of Chronic Obviousness.
But if I wasn’t such a cynical bastard of a son-in-law, I
would appreciate what I think he means: As he gets older, it astounds him in a
seemingly new way that men and women can be THAT much different.
(The ironic part of all this, of course, is that my wife and
I often comment that she thinks her father has become more of a chick in his
old age, while her mom has become less nurturing. Which would mean, I guess,
that if they still have sex, she is on top a lot. But I can’t go there.)
Where I was going with this is that my father-in-law is
certainly right, as difficult as that is for me to admit: Men and women are
indeed different, especially when it comes to child-rearing.
Now I understand that not every household is the same, and
certainly not every relationship is the same. But in our household, my wife is
a Type A control freak and I am much more laid back.
The result, therefore, often becomes this fight:
Wife: Why do I always have to be the bad guy? I don’t always
want to be the bad guy.
Me: Then don’t be the bad guy.
Wife: Well somebody has to be the bad guy.
Me: Why does somebody have to be the bad guy?
Wife: Fuck you.
Then I feel like the bad guy. Which is bullshit.
The thing is, we take two different approaches to parenting.
I don’t think we went into the raising of our children that way. It has just
evolved based on our personalities.
We do have one understanding: We won’t undermine the other
in front of the kids. Present a united front. Because if the kids sense a
divide, they will exploit that for all it’s worth.
But I find that my wife yells a lot to get the kids to do
what she wants them to do. Make your bed! Eat your breakfast! Get dressed! Put
your pajamas away!
I think it’s because she is, as I mentioned, something of a
control freak, and the fact that the kids are not doing their chores on her
timeline drives her crazy. The resulting frustration comes out in ways that I
think even she admits is not the most productive.
I, on the other hand, find that if I try to gently coerce the
kids to do their stuff, it ultimately gets done.
Listen, I certainly am not a perfect parent, and my
frustration level boils over just like anybody else’s. Gentle coercion goes
only so far before you have to break bad on them.
But it’s funny, ever since I became a stay-at-home dad
looking for work, I have this in my arsenal: "Believe it or not, when you are
not around, we get along just fine. The kids get to school. They are fed. They
are bathed. They are dressed."
Oh man, that one burns my wife up.
Because it’s true.
The concern that I have, though – and maybe this is natural
and unavoidable regardless of our personalities – is that we will be
pigeonholed into expectations by our children.
I don’t want them to think of my wife as an ogre and me as the
cool, laid-back guy who they can hang with. Because we as parents are
ultimately a team who need to raise our kids together and in concert.
Though perhaps that is the beauty of parenting. There is the
yin and the yang that makes our kids whole.
Perhaps my wise sage of a father-in-law is right more than
he knows: Men and women are just, well, different.
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